rewind.

When I close my eyes
It's Sophomore year. I can share smiles with Krystal without questioning my sexuality. I can kiss and do naughty things with boys I only just met the night before.
I can talk a big game about weed and weasel my way out of actually smoking it with so-called acquaintances. I can fail Biology and know that someday I'll actually repeat it. I can pretend to have a hangover because I took an acting class in fourth grade where I was the alcoholic housewife. I can kiss any of the girls at Lucy's party because they're all my best friends and we'll be together forever.

And then I open my eyes. And I'm here. Senior year. I can think of Krystal having sex with Josh and it makes me want to cry. I lost the best boyfriend I'll ever have because of my issues with Bishop Moore and how fucking dramatic I am. I don't want to talk about weed beause I realize how immature that state of mind is. If Ifail a subject this year, there's no time to repeat beause we're graduating in June,but it's not like you can fail our of Edgewater, though I'm sure I could do it if I wanted. I drink and I call their cellphones in tears because I haven't any real friends. Big Surprise. I can't kiss girls without falling in love with them. I have attatchment issues now more than ever. And I lost all my friends in the worst way possible. It took one day.

Not even one day, it took two texts. just a few key words to completely change everything I ever wanted or needed or dreamed or experienced.

The guard season is over, I'm stuck in texas, and god, I hate my fucking life.